Welcome Back Dear Readers! The irony is that the man I married in 1978 was extremely generous and definitely a romantic – perhaps to a fault. There were hundreds of romantic gestures over the years of our 33 year marriage – some grand, some more understated. He never forgot a birthday, never forgot an anniversary. And there were acts of passion, great passion – privately and personal. But missing (especially as the years went by) were the small acts of intimacy that no one else but he and I would know about ….that no one else would notice. Those actions where you feel totally safe. That feeling you get from the comfort and unselfish sharing of your personal thoughts. From just holding hands, opening a door, holding a chair, taking out the garbage. They weren’t there, those personal acts of intimacy, because sadly he needed more public gratification. This is an important lesson, dear readers. 50’s, 60’s, 70’s 80’s to today – it doesn’t matter what year or decade, from now til forever – intimacy – true intimacy is key to a lasting relationship. Intimacy is between you and your love – no one else needs to share that moment.
The Year 2000 – was more than a new year or decade – holy shit! It was an entirely new millennium! The Internet and World Wide Web had catapulted us into a new age, and with it the awe and fear that it would change everything – little did we know! There was great fear of New Years Eve of 1999/2000. People around the globe thought the world was going to end. Young people were ecstatic or nay sayers. Others were “hair on fire” delirious, fear of Armageddon and the end of civilization and life as we knew it! Politically, socially, governmentally, technologically, and even environmentally, the changes and influences ahead would impact our society perhaps more than any other time in history. An entirely new web based language emerged, computers talking to other computers, dot.com businesses -i.e. Amazon took the world of commerce by storm. Other online shopping experiences, online banking, online dating!!! Absolutely everything changed our world and the way we function in it. But what about Romance? Was it dead? Did it need to be redefined? Not in my book!
My dear readers, this is huge. It was the new generation. It was offering a new way of life never before imagined. But trust me…from my perspective, from my point of view… the basic principles you apply to your own life will support and enable you to embrace a true love relationship of romance, passion and intimacy, and to potentially instill those values and philosophies to others, regardless of what is going on around you. My own daughter was able to see these theories in practice for many years as she grew up – certainly for the most influential times of her young life.
In 1999 – 2010 I watched and was terribly proud as my daughter graduated from highschool, attended college, grew in her convictions and beliefs and ultimately fell in love. One after another, and one by one, the young men who seemed to be so perfect, fell by the wayside. She surprised me one night when she called to tell me she was engaged. I had to ask – “to who?’ !!! Her comment about her newly betrothed was poignant – “Coast Guard Man” (a humorous identifying adjective between us) dedicated to his country, and as she said,” the kindest man I’ve ever met.” Interestingly he was not her normal go-to–guy…military and all. But obviously there was an innate quality that surfaced, and it resonated from him to her. He has proven that quality as my son-in-law every year since. I’m proud to see the fruits of both his own upbringing combined with those of my daughter….both my and my family’s philosophies of romance living on.
2011 – 2014
As I mentioned in the beginning of this narration, I reinvented myself when I was 60 years old. The year was 2011. I loved the man I married in 1978. I loved the father of my daughter in 1981, and I loved the man I had to divorce in 2011. But his life had spun out of control and I realized (with much therapy) that I couldn’t change it. I had tried numerous times. I was loyal and dedicated to a fault. And for an equal number of times I had been optimistic that he, himself, would be able to change. But the passion, romance and intimacy that had once been us wasn’t any more. I lost my desire for any intimacy at all. It was a crushing revelation. There’s many, many events and details not necessary to reveal here. Know that we reached a point where our life together no longer worked, and we needed to move forward on our own. I was haunted by the memory of my mother’s mantra to never be a quitter. But there comes a time when walking away is not a sign of weakness – but a sign of strength.
This was the time of my self – reinvention! Despite all that had happened in my life, I was still an incurable romantic. When I lost my house and my life as I had known it, I needed a special place to heal. I found a little red cottage for rent, ten miles out of town, surrounded by lush foliage, peaceful and serene. It was like stepping back in time to those simpler days, depicted so well in the romantic movies of the 40’s and 50’s starring heroines like Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, Lauren Bacall, etc. The cottage became my nest, a place for reflection and recovery and the perfect setting to make a cameo appearance in Yellow Bird!
Desiree had never been so glad to see her home. Here, she felt safe and secure. As the front door swung wide, she was immediately enveloped with a sense of being in a cocoon. She had taken great care to fill the little house with comfort and memories, and as she walked through it now, turning on each well-placed lamp, the rooms came alive and filled Desiree with peace. It was an old farmhouse, part barn and part added-on construction, with tall beamed ceilings, old roll-out casement windows, and highly glossed wide-panel oak floors and ceilings. The barn siding walls were painted a soft white long past, absorbing but not swallowing the light from the wraparound windows. Sheer curtains, framed by a rich, floral tapestry and gold silk drape, softened every view onto the intimate garden lawn filled with wild knock-out roses that would bloom rampantly from spring through summer. In front of the huge fireplace, like two giant pandas, were the overstuffed tapestry fabric chairs that had belonged to Desiree’s mother. Above the fireplace, on the wide recycled wood mantel, rested a beautiful and tranquil painting of water lilies by Desiree’s grandmother. Ivory and gold hand-tufted area rugs, a sleek yet comfy sofa and dozens of glass pillars and slender candle sticks awaited their lighting to complete the mood. The rest of the house was equally as personal. The kitchen was the second largest room in the house, a true farmhouse kitchen, with lower ceilings and old, glass-paned wooden cabinets filled with blue willow china from France and a random assortment of Irish, French and even German glass and crystal, all of which had been in Desiree’s family for generations. Sometimes, Desiree felt she was living in the past, but she loved and treasured all of it. The future was outside. This was her heritage.
It was here in my little red cottage that I found the courage to rebuild my life, to write another chapter. And it was here at the age of 62 (in 2014) that I found love again.You will remember, Dear Readers, how Michael and I met. An online meeting that evolved over only a week of intense phone conversations…til Michael suggested I join his sister and brother-in-law — the three of them — for an afternoon outing, a tour of WestPoint. Well, how safe was that? Quite perfect I thought – the perfect solution to help quell my mounting anxiety of meeting a veritable stranger. Michael also suggested we meet for a quick cup of coffee first – obviously to ensure we each were who we thought we were. Oh yes….I felt those wonderful butterflies when I first laid eyes on this tall glass of water, waiting for me.
There was electricity between us from the very moment we met… somewhat observed by his sister and brother-in-law as the day went on, as I later learned. Most importantly, Michael demonstrated clearly his belief and commitment to the very intimacy that I had been missing. True, he was retired Army, and incredibly proper, instilled with a certain protocol. And true he had strong good parents who taught him well. But it was deeper that. I know from years of experience, there is an internal compass that directs us in the right direction if we open our hearts and minds to goodness, decency, integrity, and honor.
Michael opened the door when we went into the restaurant, he did not sit until I was seated. He helped me off with my coat, and held it again later so I could put it on more easily. And He took my elbow, gently directing me and supporting me as we walked. I confess, I said much later, can we have some alone time? I.e. can we ditch your sister and brother in law! They were darling. But I did need, wanted, some time. We went to a riverfront watering hole – technically closed for the season – but kind of open. I had the audacity to ask if he was a good kisser? And do all your parts work? Hey….what ever!
An hour later, we got back to my car. As he leaned in to kiss me, I literally laid my hand on his heart. Little did I know then, it was an intimate gesture often provided by his mother as he went off to war and on any number of occasions. That day and that moment became part of our wedding vows:
From Me — There are some lives that are just destined to be together. And though some take longer to find, you and I are two of those people – because here we stand… at our age…at last together.
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, standing so tall and stoic, waiting for me to arrive for our first date. I was late!
From that moment, every word we spoke was a truth, shared honestly between us.
You told me I touched your heart that day — literally & physically. And with that our pasts dissolved, and our future became clear.
And From Michael to Me , his word and promise was all I needed to hear:
But most of all, Kathryn, I promise you my everlasting devotion,
My loyalty, my respect, and my unconditional love for a lifetime.
I hope this is enough for you to say I DO – because I would surely like
TO HAVE THIS DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
For the record – after ten years and now nearly a year of marriage – We Continue to Dance — frequently in our kitchen late on a Saturday night. He still conducts himself every day as perfect gentleman. We entertain often and he does not sit before the other women in our group. If we’re just running out for errands, he helps me on with my coat or sweater. We share without assignment our household chores – taking out the garbage, doing laundry, running the vacuum….oh yes he’s a keeper! But know without a doubt Michael’s kindness, morals, manners is not lost on younger people! My daughter, her friends, my long time friends and work colleagues – of all ages – they notice and take note. Proof positive, Romance and Intimacy go hand in hand….to have one without the other is a tragic loss.
2025+ So, here I am – full circle – wow….a lot of words…..reflecting on how my life over nearly 8 decades has definitely influenced how and why I published this book -Yellow Bird!!
I realize now it’s somewhat a story of my life! But dear readers, I encourage you, inspire you, to find your own story….it’s really never too late!
Life, Romance, Passion and Intimacy is Golden!!!
Write to me – let’s continue the conversation!